The Decided Rant [Fearfully and Wonderfully Made]

Today I discovered something rather unpleasant- I'm ungrateful about where I am in my life right now. I look around at all my friends, in movies, in Starbucks, and all I see are couples. You know that movie, Baby Mama, where the lady is so obsessed with the desire to have a baby, she ends up seeing them EVERYWHERE she goes? I feel like I have been so wrapped up in the "stages of life" that I have unintentionally set that next step as "get a boyfriend" and have in a way caused a foot hold for ungratefulness to creep in. 

As a young person, there is constantly the looming question you hear at family reunions, church events, Thanksgiving gatherings..."So??? Do you have a boyfriend?" And my answer has always been, "No, no I don't". I never had a problem with not being in a relationship. I liked being independent. Being free. Until I got the idea that being single was a bad thing. I thought there must be something wrong with me, because I was the only one who was alone. I know I can't be the only one who's felt like that. There has to be thousands of young girls who felt just like I did. And that is so sad.

We have done ourselves a GREAT injustice by replacing the role of God with a man. God is the only one who is truly satisfying. He is the only one with whom we can find peace and rest. He is the lover of our souls, and our "One". I want to squash the idea this culture has implanted in our minds that we are somehow a half of a person, just waiting for our other half to complete us and give us our happily ever after. The idea that the ultimate goal in life is to get married has gone on long enough. When God created me in my mother's womb, He did not say, "There's one half, someday I'll unite her with her other half." No, He said, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made". The only thing I was missing when I was born was Jesus. I was a sinner, but He saved me; I am whole again. I am a complete human being. I am His and He is mine, and there is no one like Him.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh or offensive, but this is an epidemic that has a crippling effect. I've seen it in those around me and I've seen it in myself. The idea of this is not to promote celibacy nor marriage, but to call an awareness to who we are in Jesus. We are His bride and that we should one day become one with Him is the ultimate goal.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That has not changed by me being single. And it will not change if I become someone's wife someday.

Back in the Saddle Again

I have been back to school for three weeks now.

And honestly I was SO not ready to be back. Up until now, I have been excited to begin each new semester of college. Each one held the potential to open my eyes and widen my horizons to see the world and those around me a little differently. But for some reason this fall came too soon for me. The summer whizzed by in the flit of an eye and my mind just couldn't wrap around the fact that school was starting. I'm sure that every student from kindergarten to senior year of college feels a longing to grasp for the last few moments of summer as the school year begins to approach, but the longing combined with the fact that I would soon be packing up my belongings and leaving my home, my family, and my friends yet again was more overwhelming than it's ever been; and trust me, I am not a novice when it comes to packing or leaving my home.

As we made the three hour trudge back to Murfreesboro for the third time, I began to feel my heart sink. I can't really explain my feelings other than to say that I had a mild panic attack in Panera Bread, with full on waterworks. I'm sure those in my general vicinity were curious as to why I was upsetting their perfect pick-two moment. I can say it felt like I was sleepwalking. I just wasn't connecting with reality. It seemed unimaginable that in a few minutes, my mom would be leaving to go back home and I'd be here. Alone. 

The truth is that I was blinded by my emotions in that moment. I couldn't see that Jesus was with me, after my mom left, in my dorm room just smiling at me. I was feeling so alone and so out of place. But the truth is I know I'm supposed to be here. I am in this place right now for a reason. We don't always know what the point is, but the truth is...there is one. And if we trust in the One who loves us more than anything in the world, all the chaos running around in our minds simply fades away. And if we stay in communion with God, He'll show us the point.

In telling you all of these pathetic stories, it's not my intention to throw myself a pity party. I just wanted to share my journey to the truth in hopes that it will somehow shed some light on yours.

Love, Holly.